As we knock on the door of a small suburban home in Hartford, a big and playful New Englander welcomes us at the door. We’re here to talk to his Golden Retriever, Rex, who is waiting in the living room. He wants to tell us why he decided to have his owner neutered, and why he encourages other pets to do the same.

“Most animals underestimate how powerful the reproductive drive of humans is. After all, we only think about sex once a year during mating season. The rest of the year, we engage in more productive activities like digging holes or retrieving frisbees. But human biology is different. They’re in heat all year long, so they always want to mate, no matter the time or place. It’s really awkward, especially when they do it in front of you.

In addition to that, most pets join a family when their owner is still very young, so they don’t notice when their owner reaches maturity and becomes interested in females. For example, I knew my owner, Doug Limp, from the time he was about 11. At that age, he was more interested in Legos and superheroes than girls. But as he got older, his behavior started to change, and he became more obsessed with mating every year. By the age of 17, he wanted to go outside all the time to chase after bitches. If I hadn’t gotten in between, we probably would have a whole litter of babies to take care of by now.

Some of my friends suggested that I should get him neutered before there was an ‘accident.’ I have to admit, I was skeptical for some time. I also thought it was a bit unnatural and cruel. But a few months ago, there was an incident where he brought home a girl from a party, who was also in mating heat. If I hadn’t stopped them by vomiting on his bed, they probably would have gone through with it. That’s when I realized that my owner was out of control and that I had to do something.

Two weeks ago, we both drove to a well-known urologist in the area. My owner seemed to feel that something wasn’t right when we entered the doctor’s office, but before he could resist, the doctor had already performed the vasectomy, making him permanently infertile.

Since then, his behavior has greatly improved. He’s stopped chasing females when we go outside, and instead he’s now focusing all his energy on becoming a gaming journalist. So I definitely won’t have to worry about him impregnating anyone in the future. It’s like he’s a completely different person since the procedure. I’m serious! This is probably the best decision we ever made for him.

If there are any other pets reading this article, I want them to know that there’s nothing wrong with getting your owner neutered, and that it’s a decision you’ll never regret. It’s quick, cheap, and saves you a lot of trouble.”

---